I am back, despite taking a long hiatus from blogging, feels
great to be back in my thoughts. I have been heavily involved in Graduate
school at this time, focused and absorbed in every aspect of the course.
Basically, I’ve been breathing Finance for the past couple of weeks. My brain
needs a break and it seems every second, minute and hour I’ve spent is critical
in successfully completing this course. Or at least I think and hope. Sometimes
I think I am too hard on myself, if I missed a question, points lost, I
frantically beat myself up over it, which often ends with me in tears. Crazy
much?
Now before I continue, I am going to shed light on why I am
this way. I am going to dig deep and share. One thing I’ve learned from a lot
of mommy bloggers is that it is okay to be vulnerable; it is okay to share and
have moments where you feel “not so perfect,” because those are the moments
that make you stronger, those are the moments you learn from and hopefully
others can relate, share or be inspired.
For as long as I can remember, I have always been an
overachiever. I’ve always had a plan for myself. I constantly seek out
opportunities, create and strive for goals. In my early 20’s, I graduated
college, I traveled a lot. I immediately started Graduate school after I
completed my Bachelors program. Since I was in high school, my goal was to have
my Master’s degree at age 25. I was on
the right track, and finished majority of my courses, that is, until the first
few months of pregnancy; I was taking 2 graduate courses and working full-time,
needless to say, I thought I could handle it. I remember feeling extremely
tired during that time, my job was hectic and grueling, working 12 hours from 6
am to 6pm, until one day, I couldn’t do it anymore. I resigned, went home and
took a nap. I immediately felt a sense of relief, along with feeling supported and welcomed home by my amazing
husband, but everything came to a halt when I realized how much I slacked in my
studies. My flawless transcript was damaged by a failed attempt. I never failed
a class before. I was heartbroken, and to this day, I am still devastated. Since
then, I have been trying to fix my mistake and it hasn’t been as easy as I
thought. Before this semester, I took a long break. I wanted to forget school,
forget the thought that my journey is going to be harder, forget everything.
While trying to conquer forgetfulness, I forgot the strive, the gleam of
education in my eye, I started to forget who I was. I love being a mommy, with
everything in me, but there are times I miss the opportunities, the traveling,
the excessiveness of my ambition, overall, the young Adrienne. I am starting to
learn that goals, dreams and hopes are still attainable as a mother, it may be
a lot harder, but it is so much more worth it. I aim to be someone I am proud
of, and I aim to be someone my family can be proud of, and most importantly, my
little girl. Forget popular pop culture figures, models in the magazines, forget beauty, I want
to be her role model. I want
her to be in awe of my accomplishments, and hopefully one day create her own
legacy. Needless to say, I want to be her guide.
I still haven’t been
able to answer why I am always planning my next goal, or my next
accomplishment. I started this entry thinking; this semester is coming to end,
I need something else to accomplish and so I created my Marathon training
spreadsheet. I thought to myself, why do I do this to myself? There are going
to be early morning runs before work, cold December runs, and early bedtimes.
The idea of a marathon is scary. In my head I think, I KNOW I can do this, but
26.2 miles, it’s not the race that is frightening, but more so of the training.
I am still in debate with myself on whether or not I plan to commit to the
February 2, New Orleans Rock-n-Roll Marathon. In the meantime, I am hoping I
can relax, refresh and take myself away from planning. In reality, my main
focus should be the holidays, and getting ready for our big move in February.
