There's No Place Like Home.

I am learning every day.

I gain and sort through different aspects of my life on a daily basis, some good, some not, and some tend to be useless at times. These past few weeks have been a "trial learning period," mostly consisting of employment decisions. Last week, as I was on my way to an employment assessment, I came to the realization that maybe I am not ready to quickly jump back into my role of working momma. As I made the 20 something mile drive, I felt guilty for leaving Autumn and Re. I am at my happiest as I stare at Autumn for at least 30 minutes until she opens her beautiful little eyes every morning. She looks at me and gives me her first smile of the day. I thrive on making breakfast for her every morning; her love for egg whites, fruit and turkey bacon make me smile.

I also had an important interview this past week, a position that could have been the most important in my career so far. Everything went wrong....everything just felt extremely wrong. I made the long drive into St. Louis, and as I made my journey, the St. Louis arch in my rear view mirror, I felt optimistic and hopeful. I arrived thirty minutes early; searching for parking was horrendous, I was in and out of buildings, wandering the coldness in a pencil skirt. I felt extremely out of place. I just wanted to go home. When I finally arrived at the interview, I was out of breath, cold, didn't have time to put my heels on and quite possibly, even late. As I sat down in front of these two people of importance, I already felt defeated. My answers were probably silly and unorganized. For thirty minutes I sat there, trying to put my best face forward, and in some way, trying to convince them why I deserve this big break. I walked out of the interview; immediately thinking I probably did not get the position. This was all so unusual, I am always refined, in control and prepared. In a way, I was somewhat relieved. For the past 2 weeks, this interview has been a ticking alarm, and I was relieved it was finished. As I made my way to my car (which took another 30 minutes wandering in the cold) I could not wait to get home. HOME, thats where I wanted to be. For a moment I felt lost, and I just wanted to rush home and feel complete, feel warmth and the feeling of love. I came to the conclusion that it is okay not dedicate myself into a job right now, quite frankly, I don't think I have the dedication for anyone but my family right now, and that is okay. I am always fixed on working, building myself and contributing to endless opportunities for me and my family. Today, St. Louis kicked my butt and I needed that awakening.

As days passed, and the weekend arrived, I received the rejection email; "although your credentials were seriously considered, we regret to inform you that another candidate has been selected." I wasn't sad, I still remained hopeful, but in the end, I knew this was coming.

I cringe a little as I dig deep within myself, spilling my flaws and confessing my position in life at this current moment, but writing is therapeutic. Quite possibly, maybe, there is someone who knows what I am going through, someone who can be of guidance or support, or maybe vice versa.

I know I won't be at home forever, but maybe at home is where I need to be right now. I have a new plan in progress and I am looking forward to what the future has in store for me, for us, as a family. I am and always will be, an educated woman with many travels and experiences. No one will ever take that away from me.

 At the end of the day, there's no place like home...…..

Looking Forward to Spring!

Lost in Change and Uncertainty.

My optimism and hope is running low. With a mixture of constant up and down contentment, I can't seem to hold still and let things go with the flow, to let things just happen. I am HUGE with remaining in control and planning, and these past few weeks have me feeling lost. I'm not sure what it is, maybe it is the new location, the idea of "where do I fit in, in all of this?" LOST. So many questions clog my brain on a daily basis, so many thoughts and uncertainty. Do I really want to start working soon? and am I really ready to begin the path of an employment search that may result in more rejection than success? Each day I battle with these questions, and the only way to remain calm and collected is spending time with Autumn and Re, running, and sometimes an hour or two by myself will do the trick. I try to keep busy and of course endure every minute with my Autumn Rose, but I am starting to have a limit on spotless cleaning, laundry and home upkeep. I know its not the end of the world, and I know eventually everything will fall into place and slowly but surely; this place will start to feel like home.

Lately, I've been occupied with running, home decor and job searching. I started my half marathon training for the GO! St. Louis Marathon on April 6. I am excited, it is something to look forward to, and it will be my second half marathon. I figure since I have the time, I might as well take advantage of it. I have this amazing image of me, 13.1 miles, finishing at the St. Louis Arch, which in itself, is a beautiful accomplishment.

I think overall,  I just need to soak up this time. I need to remain optimistic. I need to remind myself; everything will indeed fall back into place. At the moment I may feel lost and out of control, but eventually I will find my place in this new change.
Good Night.

Waiting for Spring, in the meantime.........

From Alabama to Illinois

Moving is exhausting. Moving is stressful.

I finally found some time to relax and gather my sanity over what has been going on these past few weeks. I am exhausted. We are officially moved in and residents of Illinois! I do miss Alabama at times, the convenience of having a home and knowing where everything is, but over time, I know I will adjust.

I haven’t blogged in awhile, so much time has been spent traveling and unpacking and quite frankly, I have just been extremely busy and drained. This move took a lot out of me, not only physically, but also mentally. We drove from Montgomery to Nashville to Metropolis to Belleville, IL. We enjoyed some sightseeing in Nashville and I thought I would share some photos of our journey. 

Right now I am trying to remain focused on putting our home together, as well as enjoy some alone time with my Autumn Rose. I am officially not working at the moment, which has been a change from my regular work schedule and duties. Not knowing when or where my next job will be has me anxious and somewhat stressed. I am glad we prepared accordingly for this move, financially, so that I am able to be home for a bit, but regardless, I am going to begin my search soon. We have officially been here for a week and I love it so far, St. Louis is only a drive away and there is so much to do, which I LOVE. I am looking forward to a rendezvous to Chicago soon, as well as another mini vacation to NYC. Something I can always look forward to, TRAVELING. Our little mini has become accustomed to the traveling lifestyle, I was truly amazed at how well she handled this relocation. Within the past few months, we have been to Colorado, New Orleans, from Alabama to now Illinois. She has become quite the little traveler. 

I can tell Autumn misses the company of youngins her age as well as some outside play, but this weather has us cooped up in the house all day. It is extremely cold, beyond what I expected, and beyond what I was prepared for. Again, in time, I hope to adjust. Autumn spends a lot of time in her room; cooking, reading, building and dancing. She is becoming quite the entertainer and cook. As I’m typing, she prepped some eggs and onions with a side of eraser and says, "Mommy eat." I am excited to begin the preparation for decorating her room again. I have some ideas and looking forward to the end result. The BIG 3 is coming up soon, I cannot believe how fast she is growing. In the mean time, I hope to find more time capturing our beautiful moments and blogging!!