There's No Place Like Home.

I am learning every day.

I gain and sort through different aspects of my life on a daily basis, some good, some not, and some tend to be useless at times. These past few weeks have been a "trial learning period," mostly consisting of employment decisions. Last week, as I was on my way to an employment assessment, I came to the realization that maybe I am not ready to quickly jump back into my role of working momma. As I made the 20 something mile drive, I felt guilty for leaving Autumn and Re. I am at my happiest as I stare at Autumn for at least 30 minutes until she opens her beautiful little eyes every morning. She looks at me and gives me her first smile of the day. I thrive on making breakfast for her every morning; her love for egg whites, fruit and turkey bacon make me smile.

I also had an important interview this past week, a position that could have been the most important in my career so far. Everything went wrong....everything just felt extremely wrong. I made the long drive into St. Louis, and as I made my journey, the St. Louis arch in my rear view mirror, I felt optimistic and hopeful. I arrived thirty minutes early; searching for parking was horrendous, I was in and out of buildings, wandering the coldness in a pencil skirt. I felt extremely out of place. I just wanted to go home. When I finally arrived at the interview, I was out of breath, cold, didn't have time to put my heels on and quite possibly, even late. As I sat down in front of these two people of importance, I already felt defeated. My answers were probably silly and unorganized. For thirty minutes I sat there, trying to put my best face forward, and in some way, trying to convince them why I deserve this big break. I walked out of the interview; immediately thinking I probably did not get the position. This was all so unusual, I am always refined, in control and prepared. In a way, I was somewhat relieved. For the past 2 weeks, this interview has been a ticking alarm, and I was relieved it was finished. As I made my way to my car (which took another 30 minutes wandering in the cold) I could not wait to get home. HOME, thats where I wanted to be. For a moment I felt lost, and I just wanted to rush home and feel complete, feel warmth and the feeling of love. I came to the conclusion that it is okay not dedicate myself into a job right now, quite frankly, I don't think I have the dedication for anyone but my family right now, and that is okay. I am always fixed on working, building myself and contributing to endless opportunities for me and my family. Today, St. Louis kicked my butt and I needed that awakening.

As days passed, and the weekend arrived, I received the rejection email; "although your credentials were seriously considered, we regret to inform you that another candidate has been selected." I wasn't sad, I still remained hopeful, but in the end, I knew this was coming.

I cringe a little as I dig deep within myself, spilling my flaws and confessing my position in life at this current moment, but writing is therapeutic. Quite possibly, maybe, there is someone who knows what I am going through, someone who can be of guidance or support, or maybe vice versa.

I know I won't be at home forever, but maybe at home is where I need to be right now. I have a new plan in progress and I am looking forward to what the future has in store for me, for us, as a family. I am and always will be, an educated woman with many travels and experiences. No one will ever take that away from me.

 At the end of the day, there's no place like home...…..