Wednesday, February 8, 2017

2/6/2017



We were together, the three of us, having dinner in what seemed like a hotel reception room. Outside, the weather was windy, and each time the wind blew the gusts grew stronger. We would move location to location each time the wind grew in strength.

The three of us; with them I felt safe.

Our last location was a large auditorium; the place was filled with other’s like us trying to seek shelter. We were fed, we were warm and safe. At that moment, all I wanted was to shield her in a blanket, to lay her in my lap, as I knew she would drift into a safe sleep. So I told Re I would quickly go out to the car, grab some blankets for us and I would be right back, as the weather was still somewhat fair. He said “Okay, the car isn’t far, but please hurry up.” I ran outside, pressed the car key lock to locate the vehicle. I didn’t hear or see anything. So I ran and I searched, the wind was picking up, but I finally made it. I quickly selected a few blankets, I picked a few pink ones, her baby blankets, for a moment imagining her wrapped and snuggled safely in my lap. I ran, and decided to cut through a building to get back to them. The building was large, reminiscent of a casino. People were eating, laughing, oblivious to what was outside, as I quickly dashed by them. I made it outside of the building, I looked around and I didn’t know where I was. It was now dark, the wind was blowing extremely hard, I could feel I did not have much time left, but I decided to run any way. I ran, but I felt like I was getting nowhere, so I screamed “Someone! Please help!” But as I looked out, I could see and hear other people in the same position as me, screaming for help. I stood there, and in front of me was another building, maybe I could break the window, maybe if I could just move a few feet, I could hopefully survive. But my feet would not move. I kept picturing them in my head, waiting for me. I just wanted to be with them, where they were. Why did I have to go get blankets? Why did I have to leave? I would probably never see them again. I would never get to snuggle her in my lap. I would never feel her warmth wrapped in those pink blankets. I would never make her feel safe again. And so I gave up. 

They would have to be without me.

And so, at that moment, at my very last moments, I woke up.

It was a dream. I was breathless. I was scared. 

I looked to my right, covered in a pink blanket, she was right beside me; safe and sleeping.

I quickly got up, raced downstairs and there he was, cooking breakfast.

I grabbed my golden throw, sat at the kitchen table and cried my eyes out.

He stood there looking at me, concerned, listening to what I had just experienced.

He wrapped me in his big arms, the arms that always enclose me with love, safety, and warmth.

Everything was okay.

I was safe, again.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

WOMEN.



In 2003, a mother supported a daughter's dream. 
A mother with five children put her oldest daughter on a plane to NYC and hoped the best for her young WOMAN. 
She kissed and hugged me, with endless tears in her eyes, she let me go.
I'd like to think before then, I was a young woman still under the wings of my MOTHER, but after that moment, I was a WOMAN. 
I was on my own.
I had my dreams, my aspirations.
I was left alone to figure things out, but as I walked through that airport, I'd look back and there she was. 
I knew, in life, if I ever looked back, she would ALWAYS be there. 
Since then, I've experienced womanhood in many stages of my life. 
I am an indigenous woman. I am an educated woman.
I am a woman who is NOT afraid to speak her mind.
I am fearless.
And now I am raising a future STRONG WOMAN, I am the sister of a girl currently entering WOMANHOOD.
I am an ambassador to these future strong, intelligent, resilient women; Indigenous women.

I woke up this morning, laced up my running shoes; a pre game to the anticipation of a movement, I knew I had to mentally prepare myself. I knew I was going to dig deep emotionally today. Today, I wanted to run for WOMEN, I wanted to run for those who wouldn't be able to make it today. I ran for my mother, my grandmothers, my sisters, my friends. 

I set aside this time to focus solely on them. 

We arrived at the Woman's March on St. Louis; Re, Autumn and I. A grand total of 20,000+ women, men, children. 

 I was in awe; Women has a whole, if we unite, we build bridges, we move mountains.

#WHYIMARCH

I MARCH because I am a configuration of my Mother.
Everything my Mother has gone through, what other woman have endured before me.
To those who have been silenced. 
I MARCH because I disagree with a lot of aspects not equal for women, (because yes there are still a lot!) I disagree with the occurrences of a particular public figure downgrading and measuring women to their appearance. 
Yes, there is A LOT of progress, but why stop now?
I MARCH because I will never settle, I will never ignore. 
I MARCH because our daughter's, our children are watching. 
But most of all, I MARCH because I can. 




"...never doubt that you are valuable and powerful and deserving of every chance and opportunity in the world to pursue and achieve your own dreams."






Sunday, January 15, 2017

STL. ART. EXPLORATION.

It has been almost 3 years since we moved to Illinois. When we first arrived here, we instantly fell in love with Saint Louis. Every weekend consisted of local eateries, farmer's markets, museums, everything we were deprived of when we lived in Montgomery. For me, there is something amazingly inspiring about the Arch each time we pass by, even after three years later. Saint Louis; so much to do, so much to see. Although time has passed, and our predictable schedules consist of routine, we try to still find the time to explore. At this point, we are unsure if this location will be our permanent home or perhaps a move is in our future this year. As always, a lot of unknown, unpredictable changes. Whatever happens, I am ready. I thought I would share some photos of our visit to the Saint Louis Art Museum. As I stared at each piece, some I felt a connection, others not so much. Emotions and imagination unlock while viewing Art, viewing a moment of another's self expression. Art, the combination of feelings, the power of passion, personal vision, and creativity. We are simply viewing a moment in time, a memory, a feeling of someone or something. I cannot wait to go back.



Saturday, September 24, 2016

Lately.




Lately, there has been a change. 
I still find myself hesitant with this blog, I often find myself trying to maintain a balance of what I want to share, but this is my honesty, this is my lately. By lately, I mean I've seen better days.

I've been up and down. Sometimes I'm content, sometimes I need something different, sometimes I am at my happiest, and then there are times when I am a total mess. I'm not sure if its a mixture of things, or just a down period in my life. I often find myself trying to find the answer, the root of my rollercoaster emotions, and I end up at loss. I aim the blame to myself, hormones, work, and my recent neglect to my health, basically, the problem is ME. I know what created this seed of my mixed up emotions, but of course I'd rather keep that aspect for me to control, analyze and of course fail and start over; a never-ending cycle. When life altering situations occur, there is and will always be a CHANGE, an uncontrollable shift. As much as we want things/life to remain the same, it doesn't and for me, lately, I've felt as though I lost something/someone. I took it pretty hard, and each day I still do. Some days, the battle is easy and other days, a battle I can't seem to win. I remind myself "each day is an attempt to start over, even if you do fail at the end of the day, at least you survived and perhaps get stronger by it." I am often fearful of my emotions, I try to keep my composure and I absolutely despise showing emotion or even crying. I'm not sure why I am that way. Someone recently said to me: Adrienne, you are a person, you have every right to your feelings. Its okay to have/show your feelings. I am forever grateful for this person. That one statement; simple and enlightening and something I think about everyday. By perhaps accepting my feelings instead of analyzing, I may be able to return to my normal self. I'm sorry if this post is everywhere. I figured it may help to write about whats been going on, emotions and such. I mean, everyone has emotions, some can relate. Maybe I am not the only person going through a ping pong of emotions right now. I am a quiet person and sometimes it may seem I have everything put together, but that could not be more false. 

I am not perfect.

Talking has been an extremely helpful relief, especially with the number one person who knows me; Re. I find that as things occur in life, I can always count on Re. I can talk to this man about anything and everything. I believe my only remedy, the absolute cure for whatever it is I am going through, I can find in Re and Autumn. How unbelievably lucky am I!

Today I found myself with a lot of time, comfort and much needed energy to focus on the things I love to do for ME. Perhaps another sign to the beginning of a restoration. I ran 6 miles. Although I haven't been on my normal running regime lately. Running always helps when I encounter difficult life situations. If you get past the typical responses to running;
"when do I stop," "this hurts" "why am I doing this, "who enjoys this,"

you will find the true beauty of running, it's mental meditation. When I run, my mind is non-existant, I never answer my phone, I get lost and no one around me exists. I think about my goals, I think about my problems, I think about trips and family. With the weather cooling down, I hope to have many therapy sessions with the pavement.

Lately, we've been trying to do more, i.e. trips, dates. Something about spontaneity to create a spark in daily routines and schedules. Since all three of us are busy with school and work during the week, its nice to have plans on the weekend. I've shared a few photos of what we've been doing lately; a trip to Nashville, a Flume concert and some planning for upcoming events I am excited about!

Mini Update: Autumn seems to be growing up at a fast rate, a rate I am not willing to keep up with. She is a kindergarten pro and enjoys going to school everyday. She has made some new friends and this past weekend proved to be a social weekend overall; she had a play date/movie night on Friday while Re and I had a concert date, Saturday she went to a birthday party and Sunday, she had her very first friend over. It was strange at first, Re and I felt neglected because we've been her only friends for the past 5 years. Lol....the audacity of her. I tell her on a daily to please stop growing up so fast; friends are being made, teeth are coming loose, words are being spelled. Alot of changes going on, but we could not be more proud. As of right now, our decision to another Jackson addition is nonexistent.