Saturday, September 24, 2016


Lately, there has been a change. 
I still find myself hesitant with this blog, I often find myself trying to maintain a balance of what I want to share, but this is my honesty, this is my lately. By lately, I mean I've seen better days.

I've been up and down. Sometimes I'm content, sometimes I need something different, sometimes I am at my happiest, and then there are times when I am a total mess. I'm not sure if its a mixture of things, or just a down period in my life. I often find myself trying to find the answer, the root of my rollercoaster emotions, and I end up at loss. I aim the blame to myself, hormones, work, and my recent neglect to my health, basically, the problem is ME. I know what created this seed of my mixed up emotions, but of course I'd rather keep that aspect for me to control, analyze and of course fail and start over; a never-ending cycle. When life altering situations occur, there is and will always be a CHANGE, an uncontrollable shift. As much as we want things/life to remain the same, it doesn't and for me, lately, I've felt as though I lost something/someone. I took it pretty hard, and each day I still do. Some days, the battle is easy and other days, a battle I can't seem to win. I remind myself "each day is an attempt to start over, even if you do fail at the end of the day, at least you survived and perhaps get stronger by it." I am often fearful of my emotions, I try to keep my composure and I absolutely despise showing emotion or even crying. I'm not sure why I am that way. Someone recently said to me: Adrienne, you are a person, you have every right to your feelings. Its okay to have/show your feelings. I am forever grateful for this person. That one statement; simple and enlightening and something I think about everyday. By perhaps accepting my feelings instead of analyzing, I may be able to return to my normal self. I'm sorry if this post is everywhere. I figured it may help to write about whats been going on, emotions and such. I mean, everyone has emotions, some can relate. Maybe I am not the only person going through a ping pong of emotions right now. I am a quiet person and sometimes it may seem I have everything put together, but that could not be more false. 

I am not perfect.

Talking has been an extremely helpful relief, especially with the number one person who knows me; Re. I find that as things occur in life, I can always count on Re. I can talk to this man about anything and everything. I believe my only remedy, the absolute cure for whatever it is I am going through, I can find in Re and Autumn. How unbelievably lucky am I!

Today I found myself with a lot of time, comfort and much needed energy to focus on the things I love to do for ME. Perhaps another sign to the beginning of a restoration. I ran 6 miles. Although I haven't been on my normal running regime lately. Running always helps when I encounter difficult life situations. If you get past the typical responses to running;
"when do I stop," "this hurts" "why am I doing this, "who enjoys this,"

you will find the true beauty of running, it's mental meditation. When I run, my mind is non-existant, I never answer my phone, I get lost and no one around me exists. I think about my goals, I think about my problems, I think about trips and family. With the weather cooling down, I hope to have many therapy sessions with the pavement.

Lately, we've been trying to do more, i.e. trips, dates. Something about spontaneity to create a spark in daily routines and schedules. Since all three of us are busy with school and work during the week, its nice to have plans on the weekend. I've shared a few photos of what we've been doing lately; a trip to Nashville, a Flume concert and some planning for upcoming events I am excited about!

Mini Update: Autumn seems to be growing up at a fast rate, a rate I am not willing to keep up with. She is a kindergarten pro and enjoys going to school everyday. She has made some new friends and this past weekend proved to be a social weekend overall; she had a play date/movie night on Friday while Re and I had a concert date, Saturday she went to a birthday party and Sunday, she had her very first friend over. It was strange at first, Re and I felt neglected because we've been her only friends for the past 5 years. Lol....the audacity of her. I tell her on a daily to please stop growing up so fast; friends are being made, teeth are coming loose, words are being spelled. Alot of changes going on, but we could not be more proud. As of right now, our decision to another Jackson addition is nonexistent.

Saturday, July 30, 2016

A Shift In Consciousness.

2 am.
The rain falls; first slowly.
As the moment passes, the rain gets heavier, the moment gets heavier.
I feel the water weighing me down.
But I feel light, almost free.
Almost a sense of relief, but almost a burden at the same time.
The rain continues to fall.
I am in this moment.
I am within those droplets.
I am oblivious;
To sight.
To sound.
I do not see the lightening around me. I cannot hear the thunder. 
I am blind; unconscious.
But I feel everything.
I feel this moment.

Friday, June 3, 2016

Birthdays Are A Blessing!

I am slightly nervous as I begin this post, I’m not sure why. Post birthday feelings, or shall I say the "Birthday Blues,” a feeling I’ve managed to create and overwhelm myself with these past few days, as I hesitantly stride into another year. 

I mean, at the end of the day it’s just a number. So why am I getting so worked up?!? I get a little crazed around birthdays. I’m not sure what it is, okay that’s a lie, it’s that GIGANTIC feeling of getting older, which then creates something even BIGGER; getting old. Maybe I’m not ready. Of course I’m not ready. My reaction to birthdays, as of lately;

Getting older scares me. I'm no fan of birthdays; maybe its the attention, maybe the idea of getting older, or maybe its the idea of another forced celebration/occasion. Fuck, I can eat cake anytime, any day. I have this theory, this idea that the older I get, the more unattractive/dull/boring I become, which I know is ludicrous and ridiculously untrue. 
My husband's response: 1.) I need to get over myself (its true). 2.) That theory is a lie. 3.) I need to bother someone else with my meaningless problems. Ha! Okay, so maybe he's right in all three aspects, but at the end of the day, how we feel as individuals truly affects our outlook, our mood, our overall justification of life, even if it is meaningless and temporary. Eventually those feelings fade and everything works out. It has to. At the end of the day, we end up thinking "well that wasn't so bad." Then I found this, and everything made sense, and all that ridiculousness drifted away:

Your birthday can be a powerful reminder that, in fact, each and every day is a 'gift' you haven't asked for, and haven't earned, but you have it in your hands to make what you will of it.

Your birthday is an opportunity to remember that being alive is a prerequisite for doing anything, feeling anything, celebrating anything. Your life is the ultimate unsolicited 'gift'. You didn't ask for it. You didn't earn it. Some gifts are hard to accept, and life too can be hard to accept sometimes!

Today was good, no, it was amazing. I visited my past, reflected on my accomplishments and travels and proudly told myself, "You've done good so far." I received encouraging words from my Mom, family and friends. I am glad I make them proud. Along with Re, Autumn, my family and the many friends, people I've come across throughout my 31 years, this is exactly what I needed. So thank you to everyone who took the time to wish me a Happy Birthday. Birthdays are a blessing. 

Thank you. 

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Disney World Post #2 - Star Wars Mania!


Our little one is a bit Star Wars obsessed. I'm not sure where it came from or how it reached this far, but she loves everything Star Wars, maybe with the exception of Kylo Ren; depending on her mood, he seems to scare her.

On Day 2, we made our way to Hollywood Studios. Filled with excitement and anticipation, we had a day planned with ALOT of Star Wars activities, along with a few Fast Pass selections; Sing Along with Elsa and Anna, The Great Movie Ride and a Disney JR Character dining event (lunch) at Hollywood & Vine.

A few things about the pictures below:

  • Meet & greet with Kylo Ren: he remained in character, definitely not friendly or welcoming, which is why he is standing so far away from us. I was also chased out of the meet & greet by him as I was taking pictures on our way out. He raised his hand, we got scared and ran out laughing. 
  • Star Wars- The Adventure Continues, a great ride! Our scenario played out as if we were in the Millennium Falcon. I was fearful Autumn would get scared or cry, but she LOVED it. I, on the other hand, became nauseous. 
  • Jedi Training - Trials of the Temple - this experience was something Autumn had been waiting for, for a very long time. She battled the Seventh Sister, and used her force on Darth Vader and Kylo Ren. This little is serious about her force, she truly believes she has the force, sometimes using it on her daddy.  
  • Build your own Droid: customized by Autumn, she named him/her "JOYED the Droid." 
  • I added new Mickey ears to my collection; C-3PO, now with a total of 3.